Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Long Drives, Log Jams and Love
Hey gang, sorry for the long drawn out infrequent post action here. I won't bore you with how much work I'm doing or how tired I am or have been, because that seems like a complaint and it's really not. I love hard work and I love that I'm so tired and exhausted at the end of the day, because I love my job, not because I hate my job.
I recently made a quick dash to the homestead to visit the Mom and Pops for Mother's Day. I told myself that I would pay tribute to my Mom here when I got back and already a whole week has passed with out me doing so. It's pretty safe to say that it's not going to happen anytime soon either. Sorry Mom.
It's very comforting to have parents like mine. At the same time, it can be very difficult to have them know me like they do. I could tell that they are worried and want to 'know' that things are okay with me and a part of me wants to talk openly about my situation and what is going on in my head. But a part of me is reluctant to open up and let them into that inner sanctum that has become me. I've never been a really open child with them, at least I don't think so.
Because the drive to their house is long and the drive home seems even more so, I have an inordinate amount of time for thinking. This is not necessarily a good thing, quite often I can get myself wrapped up so tight and feeling so unsure that it's debilitating. This is not the case this time. The last time that I made a trip down however, I did come home with a heavy sense of dread and uncertainty about myself and my choices and really had to work through a lot of feelings. It was the start of a long depressive event, one that I feel relatively good about saying, has passed. This was not a trip to my parents, but a trip to Portland and a visit with friends. Good friends, friends that know me too, and can ask me the tough questions.
I am a very...blessed, fortunate, lucky...pick your descriptor here...to have such amazing people in my life. I have parents who love me for who I am no matter what. I have friends that love me unconditionally as well, and are always there to shore me up when I doubt myself the most. The fact that I am 3+ hours away from all of them is hard, harder than they know. The other fact is, my life is here now and I need to build on that now. I need to stop beating myself up with homesickness and feeling left out and thinking that I am missing out. I have a life here too and that has become an important understanding within me recently. I have neglected that idea so much of late that I was beginning to think that there wasn't one here at all.
My mind has been so clouded with doubt lately that I had ceased being able to think at all. I was walking along the Little White Salmon river with my parents when I saw this area of fallen trees, and it occurred to me that this is my mind, a log jam and that short of an emotional flood, they aren't going anywhere soon. But that like the stream, I had a choice to make now, I needed to decide whether to let them hinder me or find my through, under and around them, and accept them for who they are, parts of the whole.
I do want my parents to know how much they mean to me, how much I love them and appreciate who they are. I know that it's not easy to be so far apart and not be able to 'do' something, but they do so much when I'm there each time they just hug me and hold me like it's going to be forever before it happens again. Nothing heals me or gives me more comfort than my Dad's hugs. It means a lot to me to be able to sit and just 'be' with my Mom. No complications, no troubles, just calm and closeness. Sometimes you just need to be able to bask yourself in that love. I feel it Momma, I really do and it heals me in such important ways. No words can translate what your loving touch communicates.
I want my good friends Skanky and Mae Mae to know too, what their friendship means to me. It's been hard to be apart from them. But it's so comforting to know that no matter the distance, nothing can change what we have together. I don't know what cosmic alignment came together to bring them into my life, but I am a better person for it. I love you so much. I love that sweet bundle of goodness Shoo-shoo too. She melted me down to pure goo and I am forever grateful. Babies are good medicine people. They seem to pull your whole perspective down and fine tune your entire existence.
I'm out of time here, must get ready for work. Until next time...