Despite the packaging and Harlow's obvious inability to read, somehow she seemed to know that it was something for her. Fortunately for her, I was in a generous mood. This Diva behaivor is gonna get nipped in the bud....MMmmkaaay!?!
Friday, December 30, 2005
Pooper Friday!!!
THESE came in the mail yesterday for HARLOW. Not JUST for Harlow but TO Harlow specifically. Apparently someone's VBD took pity on her exploitation here on the blog and is making some vain attempt at creating some kind of support network or something. Puleeez, as if she's being forced to do the things you witness here. I assure you, this dog is totally and unequivicably doing this of her own free will.
Despite the packaging and Harlow's obvious inability to read, somehow she seemed to know that it was something for her. Fortunately for her, I was in a generous mood. This Diva behaivor is gonna get nipped in the bud....MMmmkaaay!?!
Despite the packaging and Harlow's obvious inability to read, somehow she seemed to know that it was something for her. Fortunately for her, I was in a generous mood. This Diva behaivor is gonna get nipped in the bud....MMmmkaaay!?!
Early morning posting...What was I thinking?
What's this you say??? A post? And not just a post with a picture and witty caption, but a real post with words and descriptions that form complete sentences. So if you're done with your gaspings and over exaggerated gesturing I'll get on with this post. Thank you.
I thought that I should break the pattern of posting Pooper Friday and then hiding out for another week with out any postings at all. If you think about it, like I did just now, this is very true to my nature in life. Touch base here and there, make gestures of good will for weeks on end and then find myself completely disconnected from people in my life. What to do, what to do? Oh I know, just put together a nice long lengthy email and send it out to everyone at once and get back to normal. This is what I did for Christmas this year, again. I failed to even send Christmas cards to my family. So I just pulled all my email addresses from my address book and sent it off. Even as I typed that, I just thought of someone that didn't get that email! Doh!!!
Most of the people on that email list were those that don't read this blog, or at least I don't think they do. (looking from side to side...hello?) Well, some of them do, I think and that's cool. At least they know what's going on here with us, but if I were to make direct contact with them I might actually know something about them and their lives too. What a novel idea right? The end result of this might make me feel more connected and in touch with people that I really do think about, care for immensely and miss terribly at times. Okay, I totally just thought of another person that got left off the email. Damn it!!!
Okay, so the point to this, if there is one, I just started writing a post and this the direction it took. IF I really think about it, and I've been trying not to think about too much lately, because I know where it will lead me. Remorse, regrets, sadness, disappointment (in myself). Part of this is the time of year, the holidays really make me melancholy. Of all the times of the year that people find themselves together with friends and family, it's the holidays. For the most part, this is not the case for me personally. This was the second Christmas in a row with out my Dad and Mom or any of my family or friends. To be fair, this was not imposed, but rather a choice and simply a fact of life. I know that I've lamented my dislike of the holidays and my distaste of Christmas in the past and it's true, they are very demanding holidays. But let's face it, a lot of the demand is self imposed and I realize that. The truth is, that I love Christmas with my parents, THAT'S Christmas. I could make things a lot easier on myself by being a lot more proactive about the holidays too. But this is only part of the problem, there is still the other 10 months of the year.
What I think has happened over the course of time and distance too, is that I have uprooted myself so many times that I have developed a knack of detaching myself to avoid hurt, loneliness and stuff. Now, if I was at my therapists office and said something too general like 'stuff', she would probably call me on it. That's a total avoidance word right there. What aren't you saying, what are you trying to push down? Ya, ya, I know, but this isn't my therapists office. I can't afford therapy anymore though, so I guess this is the place I come to now, or rather used to come to for therapy. I haven't emotted or expressed much here in some time. ( And this is where my therapist gets me back on tack) Anyway, stuff. Like I said, I've gotten really good at distancing myself over the years. Some of it started with my sexuality. I started distancing myself from people that I really loved and cared about out of fear of rejection because of the decisions I was making in my life. I've really paid for that one, and I've missed out on a lot. I've started over in my life so many times now, too many I think.
Moving here, to Seattle, was by far one of the most excruciating changes to date. I had really gotten established for the first time in my life in Portland and found myself surrounded by amazing, loving and supportive people. I often say that I grew up there, because that's where I really found myself and became happy with that person. I just didn't count on meeting and falling in love with someone from another State all together. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave my home. But I did it. Once I make a decision to do something, I pretty much jump in with both feet and start moving, but when the day to leave finally arrived, I found myself panicked. My friend Pat had been helping us load the truck and when it came time for him to leave, I hugged him good-bye and thanked him for his help. As he drove away, I could feel my chest tighten and my head began to pound. I went to the bathroom and closed the door and buried my face in the bath towel and silently sobbed. I cleared my head and got my composer back and started loading up again. I became very bitchy and snapped at Nick. I knew I had to apologize and when I did, all I could do was fall apart and bawl like a baby. The reality of my situation came down on me like an avalanche.
My first year here in Seattle was difficult. I was lost. The Nursery became my first real place that felt like me. Does that make sense? I was only there for a short while when I was recruited off of Monster.com to work for the Wireless company. I really thought that getting that job was going to be a turning point for me and us. The pay was good, I had benefits and I thought it was sound and responsible decision. I know Nick was eager for me to start there. I just never connected there. It would be easy for me to say that it was environment, the culture or even the people. But it wasn't. It was me. I kept myself from settling in because after only a short 4 months, the company announced that they were merging. In my heart, I knew that I was missing the Nursery and not just the Nursery, but the people there too. Nick knew it too. I wouldn't have been able to go back with out his help. I hope he knows how much I love my job and how much I appreciate what it takes to let me be there.
So anyway, this post has turned into a lot more than I even thought it would. Mostly it feels very rambly, but it is what it is. I started this at 5:24 am, cut me some slack. In summary, I'm lousy at maintaining relationships, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I leave a lot of friendships by moving or changing. I've managed to hang on to a few very special and valuable friendships through this move, and I hope they know that I'm not going to stop hanging on. I hope to even add a few more to the effort in fact. Maybe that's my New Years Resolution, friendships. It's a start. About that 'stuff' business earlier, notice how I completely avoided it? Ya that, so listen up, it's this. Friendships are a two way street. I feel bad that I have not been a good reciprocator, but it's not all me either. So stuff equates the other side of the situation, where there is no feedback or contact from you. It's often misread and misunderstood by me, which applies equally to the other side as well. Let's not keep each other in the dark anymore, call, write or even come visit. I'll try to do the same too.
I think it's time to wrap this one up.
I thought that I should break the pattern of posting Pooper Friday and then hiding out for another week with out any postings at all. If you think about it, like I did just now, this is very true to my nature in life. Touch base here and there, make gestures of good will for weeks on end and then find myself completely disconnected from people in my life. What to do, what to do? Oh I know, just put together a nice long lengthy email and send it out to everyone at once and get back to normal. This is what I did for Christmas this year, again. I failed to even send Christmas cards to my family. So I just pulled all my email addresses from my address book and sent it off. Even as I typed that, I just thought of someone that didn't get that email! Doh!!!
Most of the people on that email list were those that don't read this blog, or at least I don't think they do. (looking from side to side...hello?) Well, some of them do, I think and that's cool. At least they know what's going on here with us, but if I were to make direct contact with them I might actually know something about them and their lives too. What a novel idea right? The end result of this might make me feel more connected and in touch with people that I really do think about, care for immensely and miss terribly at times. Okay, I totally just thought of another person that got left off the email. Damn it!!!
Okay, so the point to this, if there is one, I just started writing a post and this the direction it took. IF I really think about it, and I've been trying not to think about too much lately, because I know where it will lead me. Remorse, regrets, sadness, disappointment (in myself). Part of this is the time of year, the holidays really make me melancholy. Of all the times of the year that people find themselves together with friends and family, it's the holidays. For the most part, this is not the case for me personally. This was the second Christmas in a row with out my Dad and Mom or any of my family or friends. To be fair, this was not imposed, but rather a choice and simply a fact of life. I know that I've lamented my dislike of the holidays and my distaste of Christmas in the past and it's true, they are very demanding holidays. But let's face it, a lot of the demand is self imposed and I realize that. The truth is, that I love Christmas with my parents, THAT'S Christmas. I could make things a lot easier on myself by being a lot more proactive about the holidays too. But this is only part of the problem, there is still the other 10 months of the year.
What I think has happened over the course of time and distance too, is that I have uprooted myself so many times that I have developed a knack of detaching myself to avoid hurt, loneliness and stuff. Now, if I was at my therapists office and said something too general like 'stuff', she would probably call me on it. That's a total avoidance word right there. What aren't you saying, what are you trying to push down? Ya, ya, I know, but this isn't my therapists office. I can't afford therapy anymore though, so I guess this is the place I come to now, or rather used to come to for therapy. I haven't emotted or expressed much here in some time. ( And this is where my therapist gets me back on tack) Anyway, stuff. Like I said, I've gotten really good at distancing myself over the years. Some of it started with my sexuality. I started distancing myself from people that I really loved and cared about out of fear of rejection because of the decisions I was making in my life. I've really paid for that one, and I've missed out on a lot. I've started over in my life so many times now, too many I think.
Moving here, to Seattle, was by far one of the most excruciating changes to date. I had really gotten established for the first time in my life in Portland and found myself surrounded by amazing, loving and supportive people. I often say that I grew up there, because that's where I really found myself and became happy with that person. I just didn't count on meeting and falling in love with someone from another State all together. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave my home. But I did it. Once I make a decision to do something, I pretty much jump in with both feet and start moving, but when the day to leave finally arrived, I found myself panicked. My friend Pat had been helping us load the truck and when it came time for him to leave, I hugged him good-bye and thanked him for his help. As he drove away, I could feel my chest tighten and my head began to pound. I went to the bathroom and closed the door and buried my face in the bath towel and silently sobbed. I cleared my head and got my composer back and started loading up again. I became very bitchy and snapped at Nick. I knew I had to apologize and when I did, all I could do was fall apart and bawl like a baby. The reality of my situation came down on me like an avalanche.
My first year here in Seattle was difficult. I was lost. The Nursery became my first real place that felt like me. Does that make sense? I was only there for a short while when I was recruited off of Monster.com to work for the Wireless company. I really thought that getting that job was going to be a turning point for me and us. The pay was good, I had benefits and I thought it was sound and responsible decision. I know Nick was eager for me to start there. I just never connected there. It would be easy for me to say that it was environment, the culture or even the people. But it wasn't. It was me. I kept myself from settling in because after only a short 4 months, the company announced that they were merging. In my heart, I knew that I was missing the Nursery and not just the Nursery, but the people there too. Nick knew it too. I wouldn't have been able to go back with out his help. I hope he knows how much I love my job and how much I appreciate what it takes to let me be there.
So anyway, this post has turned into a lot more than I even thought it would. Mostly it feels very rambly, but it is what it is. I started this at 5:24 am, cut me some slack. In summary, I'm lousy at maintaining relationships, and I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I leave a lot of friendships by moving or changing. I've managed to hang on to a few very special and valuable friendships through this move, and I hope they know that I'm not going to stop hanging on. I hope to even add a few more to the effort in fact. Maybe that's my New Years Resolution, friendships. It's a start. About that 'stuff' business earlier, notice how I completely avoided it? Ya that, so listen up, it's this. Friendships are a two way street. I feel bad that I have not been a good reciprocator, but it's not all me either. So stuff equates the other side of the situation, where there is no feedback or contact from you. It's often misread and misunderstood by me, which applies equally to the other side as well. Let's not keep each other in the dark anymore, call, write or even come visit. I'll try to do the same too.
I think it's time to wrap this one up.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Pooper Friday!!!
"I said I wouldn't touch it!!! LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!!!!"
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE GANG AT CASA DE HOMO!!!
Love,
Greenie, Nick and Harlow
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE GANG AT CASA DE HOMO!!!
Love,
Greenie, Nick and Harlow
Friday, December 16, 2005
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
CRAP!!! Christmas is COMING!!!
I always say how I hate the Holidays when November rolls around. It's not entirely true, I don't actually HATE them, but I don't reeeally like them either. I do love some years more than others, this last Thanksgiving included. One thing that never changes is the dread of Christmas coming. Once it gets here and is over I'm fine, but I just dread the process. There is just too much to do and in those kinds of situations I stick my head in the sand so to speak.
Things I actually like about Christmas:
Lights! I love the lights. I even like putting them up. I like them simple though. I do like to see all the crazy shit that people manage to pull off with their houses, but I could never be that invested.
The Tree! Once it's up and decorated. Ours isn't at this point and we keep saying we are going to do it. We have company coming this weekend so that's a good motivator...maybe. It's a pre-lit artificial tree, which is great. Just slap the bitch together and plug her in. Okay, a little fluffing here and there and everywhere after a year in a box in the attic.
Family and Friends! Even while I'm typing this I'm re-thinking this one...just a little. Let's face it, Holidays can really bring out the best and the worst, and I suppose that's just the way it should be, but at the same time I really have to think twice on this one. I've never been good at keeping in touch with family or friends with the small exception of the inner circle. So when Christmas gets closer and the cards start arriving the pressure to send cards out commences. (See how this one is going away from things I like?) Family, I love my family, I do. I miss my Dad and Mom a lot. Friends, you know who you are and you know how much you mean to me. I'm sorry I'm not better at it myself. It doesn't mean that I don't like getting cards and letters, I'm just lousy at reciprocating and I hate that.
TANGENT
At 37 years old, let's face it, I've done a lot of variations on Christmas over the course of my life. I have years where I really put out a lot of effort to send out cards, buy gifts, decorate and entertain. I have had years where I did nothing at all. Granted, a lot of my efforts are also linked directly to my financial bottom line and let's not forget emotional well being either, but these two go hand in hand for me no matter what the season.
Things I don't like about Christmas:
Travel! I hate that I'm so far away from my friends and family at this time of year, and all year long. It's just not how I pictured my life to be. I'm constantly thinking of new and creative ways to relocate them here. What??? You think I should move closer to them? I've moved more than I can think of right now, and I'm not moving for at least another 3 years if at all. Nick has his way we are never moving, but that's another story.
Shopping! I love presents, but I hate buying them. Conversely, if I hate buying them, I don't want them either. It's only fair. Christmas is for the kids when it comes to presents, at least that's the way I feel. If I had a kid or kids, you know that I would go all out if I could.
So the pros out weight the cons and I can hear some of you Christmas Fanatics out there sounding pleased with yourselves. So while I'm not an out and out anti-Christmas monger, I'm always the reluctant participant. In my heart I want to be on top of things and able to make it happen, but in the end, I'm always thinking that Christmas for me is a week in Hawaii with my man on a beach, listening to the surf and soaking up golden rays of light. I know it may not be what everyone else wants, but for me, I would love it. Someday, that may just be the way it happens.
RANT!!!
I grew up Christian for the most part. I understand the significance and the meaning behind Christmas for Christians, I do. It's important to you and it matters. But Christmas is not the same for everyone and we do not live in a world that is just for Christians. ( I realize that not ALL Christians are this way, but just let me say this.) There are some Christian groups out there that are taking things to the extreme with this whole taking Christ out of Christmas campaign. We live in a modern world that has evolved past the idea of one world, one religion. When I was in school, we learned that people came to this country to escape persecution and to enjoy the freedom of religion. I know the media is to blame for a lot of the skewed perspectives, but it does make you stop and think about just what is going on here. How can you have a just and fair judicial and governmental body for a nation of diverse people if its all based on one religious bias? The answer is not in moving all the non-conformist out, or telling the ones that don't like it to leave. The answer is in having a government and judiciary that is not bought and paid for by one group or another. Does this make me an idealist? I realize that it's never simple, cut and dry. But I live on both sides of the board, or at least I have the perspective of living on both sides of the board. I dedicated a good portion of my life (early years) to learning, understanding and teaching about Christ and being a Christian. At the same time I also fought with my own inner being over who I am and what makes me, me. I found that I'm not just one way or another but that I'm a lot of different things. I'm not a zealot for one side or the other. I'm just a big fan of equality for all. If there is one thing that I've learned, the louder and harder you push to crush an ideal or way of life, the closer to home that ideal and way of life lies with in that individual. We fight the hardest against things we despise in ourselves.
END RANT!!!
So in closing, I send you all this Christmas Wish. That you are warm, that you are loved, that you have laughter to go with the tears and that you find yourself blessed with all that you require.
Friday, December 09, 2005
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