When ever I sit down here to write something, get something off my mind, I find myself wandering everywhere but here. For all the changes and the improvements to the current status quo, it seems that my A.D.D. is still alive and kicking. I know that for me, this is a clear sign that some things are still unchanged around here.
Today while hauling wheelbarrow loads of gravel over to the driveway area I kept looking at the perennial beds around the front walkway and thinking, what I
really need to do is clean that mess up. The other part of me that's engaged in hauling gravel says, "that's just so like you isn't it? Can't finish anything. Best you keep doing this, else when the rain comes you'll really be pissed when it's all mud again like last year." So back up the hill to get more gravel I go and as I'm passing the Birch trees that I purchased earlier this spring I think, I really need to figure out where those trees are going to live. So I set the wheelbarrow down and study them for the hundredth time that week and try to figure out where they should really go. Meanwhile, the other part of me that's trying to get something done butts in again, "Let's try to focus and do something productive today, shall we."
So I fill up the wheelbarrow and start down the slope to the driveway and dump my load again. And you know what happened next? Yup, my eyes wander over to the perennial bed again. This time, I tell self to shut up already. There's enough gravel for now and that we can haul a little more tomorrow night and that the weather forecast is dry for the next week anyway. This flower bed is a mess and an embarrassment, let's get it done.
I reached around to my clippers hanging from my belt and unlocked the clasp and headed for the walkway. There before me laid the dregs of summer blooms, weeds and some serious aroma therapy. That's right, you heard me, aroma therapy. My perennial bed is filled with lavender, thyme, salvias and basil. Just reaching in and around the plants to pull weeds sends tendrils of fragrance, so you can imagine the heady aroma of me deadheading, weeding, pruning and pulling out all these delicious scents. The lavender is on it's second flush of blooms, so I painstakingly removed the old ones. The salvias are almost finished, and my favorite, Salvia Involucrata was in dire need of pruning. The African Blue Basil I planted earlier is spent but still the smell of basil is at full strength as I grab and pull the tired plants from the bed. By the time I finished the walkway Nick was just getting home from work. I had just put the last of the yard debris in the bin. As I pull the ear buds from my iPod out of my ears, he approaches the steps and asks, "what are you up to?" I sweep my arms around as in, please notice and he sees the improvement and seals his approval with kisses.
Sometimes our lives get cluttered with a lot of spent emotions, tired blooms if you will. I realized tonight that I may be making improvements in my life, but I'm not really clearing out any clutter. I still have some unresolved issues, weeds, in my emotional garden, even though I'm cultivating a lot of new and improved varieties at the same time. I know from past experience, that sometimes those unresolved things, can crush any progress with something new. This concerns me greatly. I don't want to have that happen.
For the most part, I'm not one to put off dealing with things that really matter, but the fact is, there is one issue that is still just laying there untouched. I've yet to deal with my biological mom issue and I'm not really bothered by it, other than I feel like I need to close the chapter. It's a lot like that one shrub in the landscape that just doesn't belong there anymore. Oh sure, in the beginning it looked great and it was really prized for it's role in the scheme of things, but little by little the landscape changed, new elements were introduced, new hardscapes erected, a retaining wall here, a walkway leading in a different direction and pretty soon that one element is so far back in the layout that it really isn't valid anymore. The greenie in me sees it's worth, recognizes that it's still green, tries to bloom, but wishes that it wasn't there all the same. My attitude hasn't changed much over the months. Part of me still thinks that it should just go, yank it out and compost it. Another part of me wonders if it shouldn't stay, just in another part of the landscape, somewhere that it might fit better, change it's role and give it another purpose. Perhaps the answer, offer it an opportunity to play a different role, let it decide if it wants to thrive there. If not, then at least we tried and in the end it just wasn't meant to be, but I won't put anything else in it's place. I want to look over at that spot and remember what used to be there. I won't forget.
