Hey There!

Just wanted to get something up here, let you know I'm here and that I'm reading around blog land. I put in my last day at the corporate job today. It feels really good to be moving away from that. It was a bit sad, as there are some great individuals there and I really did enjoy getting to know some of them. I know some of us will stay in touch.

I've been really preoccupied with the hurricane and the fact that we hadn't heard anything from amanda b.. Well, that wait is over and we have confirmation of her and Husbando's safety. It's an incredible event and the extent of the damage is unbelievable. I can't stop looking at the web and the photographs. Let's hope that the water starts to recede quickly. I know that I have cousins in Biloxi or Gulf Port, and I don't know them really, we've only met once. I do hope that they are safe.

Tomorrow I take Nick in for his surgery. We'll be gone for most of the day, but barring any problems, we will be home tomorrow evening. I didn't get much sleep last night, I woke up around 1:30 and couldn't get back to sleep because I couldn't shut my brain off. I/We really do have a lot going on right now, so crazy.

I'm off to bed early tonight after a nice Indian dinner to celebrate the new start.

Motif Monday: Songs for Animals

mrtl has a theme on Monday's called "Motif Monday" and today's motif is "Songs for Animals". I've caught a few posts this morning that have really cracked me up as well as made me feel a little less crazy when it comes to Harlow. It is my experience how ever, that Cat People as a whole, tend to be a tiny bit more over the top than dog people. Case in point, I direct you to the beautiful and lovely kalki, who I might add, I affectionately refer to as Kitten. On occasion, there is that individual who is more the Dr. Doolittle of animal lovers, and that would fittingly include my other beautiful and equally lovely Kitten, Doc Ern. She has a dog, 2 cats and a bird.

I can't believe that I'm going to publish this, this admission on my part. It really is ridiculous and now I'm even a bit embarrassed. When I'm the first one home in the evenings, Harlow is still locked in her area, which is out of sight of the front door. I have never been witnessed or recorded that I'm aware of, but on occasion I have come in the house and sang:

"Oh where, oh where has my Poopy Poop gone?
Oh where, oh where can she be?"

You get the idea.

At this point I come into the kitchen and she greets me at the gate to her area, tail wiggling furiously as a short docked tail can wiggle. And by that, I mean that if the tail is wiggling chances are the whole body is caught up in the motions as well. We have our "ritual of love and kisses" and then of course to the all important outside business. Sometimes, the love fest over rides the need to relieve herself and she will simply demand an encore of the meet and greet. And so, the love and kisses will often resume, as much as I dislike it.

As for the nicknames, I don't believe there are that many...
Pooper, Poop, Poopy (she came into this name early on), booby, schmoopy, baby, gurlie, lil'bitch, brat, nutjob, crazy, A.D.D. Gurl, and then of course any combination of names as well, as in Poopy Poop etc.

With regards to Parental Roles, I am and will always be #1. This is as much as me defending my position as it is just plain and simple fact. I do think of myself as her daddy, and Nick is of course daddy too, or as I like to call him, Poppa. For example, when I hear the VW pull in, I say to Harlow, "Where's Poppa?" to which she runs to the front door if open and or the front window to see if he's home. It makes me smile every time. Harlow has discerned that there are things that she can do with him that she can't do with me. There is a distinct difference in our ranking in the house. It's good to be #1.

I just learned that another Weimaraner owner and Flickr associate recently lost their 8 month old puppy to a heart defect. He collapsed from a heart attack. My heart grieves for them today in knowing this and writing this post is bittersweet. We often sit together and look at Harlow with her funny face staring back at us or when she is curled up snuggly next to us on the couch and say things like, "What would we do with out her?" or "I can't imagine life with out her?". These statements are my undoing at some point in life. I will steadfastly avoid further discussion of this topic, but will however say, I don't know how I will survive with out her or Nick in my life. Heaven help this world the day that I am bereft of either. It may prove to be that my heartache will be the catalyst for the great quake of the west coast. I'm just saying.

Pooper Friday!

Pooper #1



I swear on all that is Holy, I honestly felt like today would never get here. I wanted Friday to get here so bad, that I thought yesterday was for half the day. I almost did Pooper Friday on Thursday, but then I noticed that it wasn't Jack Friday or Biscuit Friday and then I remembered it's only Thursday. Then I had a panic, crap, it's garbage day. But then I remembered I took it out the night before.

Pooper #2



He's not going to like that title over this picture, just like he's not going to like the fact that I posted a picture of him with out any photo editing done. That's okay, he'll get over it. Someone asked me yesterday if I had any pictures of Nick on here and I couldn't think of one for a few minutes. I finally remembered one from May. I figure since he's a topic of discussion this week, best have him representing himself a little bit. His surgery will be on the 1st around 11am or so. It's going to be a long day at the hospital for both of us, we have to be there at 9am. As long as we get to come home afterwards I'll be happy.



There is some dispute over who gets to sit/lay on the couch in our household. The other night Nick was doing some office work at the dining room table and I stretched out on the couch all by myself for the first time in I don't know how long. I'm usually relegated to the end of the couch so that I can accommodate both of them in some fashion or another. Anything to keep peace in the house. We keep saying we need a sectional, but our wallets keep giving us nothing but dust and moths. If we get another puppy, we will definitely need a sectional.

Today is not my last day at the cubicle, Wednesday of next week will be. After that I'll be playing nurse for several days and then working at the nursery for a few days after that as well as getting ready for the vacation. Which reminds me, we need to meet with the house/dog sitter too, oh and the garage sale. I've been putting that off all summer. Anyone want to come and help out?

Looking for Deer

I've been looking around me more and more lately, as well as doing a lot of introspective observation. I'm stopping along the way to work more and more and trying to capture moments like the one above and the ones in the previous post. I'm trying to stop and soak in what is going on around me instead of staying in formation with all the other cars. I used to head directly to the freeway on ramp each morning, only to stop and go for the next 24 miles in 4 lanes of other like minded individuals. One day on the way home, I took an exit shortly after getting in line on the freeway. Instead of 4 lanes I was down to 2. Now there were only cars in front and behind me. My view to my left and right were now unobstructed by other cars. Now, I never get on the freeway, instead I drive along wooded lanes and shoreline in and around Lake Washington.

I can't help but think that this has in some way influenced the recent events of changing direction in my own life. It's a difficult balance to find in life, between responsibility, obligation and happiness. It's a struggle. I find myself wrestling with my inner self, the part that never really manifests, at least not until recently. I think it all started that day that I decided to turn off at the exit. I started looking at things differently, or maybe just seeing them for what they were.

Growing up, our family of 3, would get in the truck and take long drives around the country side near our home. We drove the same roads over and over, observing the changes in the season, the landscape, the arrival of a new home. My Dad would always say "look for deer", and so, from an early age I learned to ride with my eyes constantly scanning the roadsides and fields for deer. I don't think my Dad realizes what that has done to me. I can't drive anywhere with out spotting some form of wildlife. Later on in high school, I would spend my summers with my uncle and aunt in Wasco County Oregon working with him surveying wheat lands for noxious weeds and pulling Tansey Wragwort up in the Bear Springs National Forest near Mt. Hood. Once again I was told to watch for certain things while riding along, namely plants. Now it's nothing to ride along in the car and be naming off plants in my head and spotting wildlife just about anywhere I go.



Driving along in traffic every day on the freeway deprived me of that, and by taking the alternate route my senses are saturated with fresh and familiar sights every day. It means that I get up a little earlier, sometimes it means that I get home a little later, but I'm not stressed out or anxious because I got cut off or ran off the road. Instead I'm excited to get home so I can download the latest pictures taken that morning.

I'm nearing the end of my stay here at the corporate cubicle. It's like waiting for spring break or summer vacation. I've cleaned up my cube, packed my personal belongings and taken them home. I can't sit still and have to get up frequently to just move around. Growing up, no one ever worked at a job that they loved, they worked just as a means to an end. My Dads main request was for me to learn job skills that kept me from working as hard as he has had to my whole life. I have worked in an office/computer environment for so long now, it seems strange to be walking away from that now. What awaits me outside of here makes my body tingle with excitement. I know my Dad doesn't want me to have to work as hard, but the truth is, my Dad has taught me to work hard and there in lies the satisfaction. I enjoy hard work and standing back and seeing the results of my labor. Funny how the things we dreaded growing up give us the greatest satisfaction later in life. I never expect to be a monitarily wealthy individual, but I do expect to be happy and satisfied. I've stepped out of the fast lane and it feels good to coast. I know this isn't for everyone, but sometimes you watch others speeding full steam ahead and you wonder what it is that they expect to find when they get to where ever it is they are heading.

Nick Update

I'm waiting to hear from Nick. He's at the Neurosurgeons right now finding out what the next steps are. We are both worried that there aren't many options at this point. We are hoping that an injection will help alleviate swelling and pinching, at least enough to go on vacation to San Diego on the 10th. He really wants to get away from work and just be able to relax on the beach. UGH!!! I just called Nick and the prognosis is that he needs to have surgery and it looks like it's going to be next week. He sounds very upbeat, so I don't know why I'm feeling distressed. One thing at a time, one day at a time. Right? Fuck...sorry Mom.

Greenie Update

IT'S DONE! The patio is finally done. I layed the last of the cobbles this weekend and spread the sand to secure them nice and tight. Now I can start focusing more on the landscaping and getting the fountain installed. That fountain weighs a freakin' ton, so I'm gonna have to start looking for a small third world nation to conquer and make slaves out of just to move it into place. With Nick's back problems as they are, (no improvement to report) there's no way I can pull it off by myself. It does feel good to look out there and see it completed. I'm eager to get the landscaping figured out.

Sunday, the General Manager of the nursery announced my impending return to full time status to the staff. It's no longer a secret thank god. It was killing me, because everyone is always asking me if I'm going to come back or a status on my current position. Word spread pretty quickly and there were several hugs received. There is just nothing like being wanted at a place of employment to make you feel good about your job. The fact that I love what I do is so gratifying, but then to be liked and like those that you work with as well, that just never happens. I feel so incredibly fortunate to have this opportunity. On top of that, the nursery is going through renovation and now I get to be there and participate in the new designs and building. Over the course of the next year or so we will have a brand new store and a new nursery area. I'm just so excited about it all. Now I just need to hurry up and finish this week and half of next week here at the cubicle. (sigh)



Nick will be seeing the neurosurgeon this week to review and compare his MRI's from last week. The thing we worry about most is that the condition has worsened since last time. Nick is nervous because the effects are so distinct and not improving. We just hope to have him walking normally by the time we leave for San Diego on the 10th. He's not going to like sitting at the condo alone while I'm off sight seeing and having fun. Nope, that will definitely make him one cranky S.O.B. for sure.

This week will have me transitioning work responsibilities over to my three co-workers, cleaning up my intranet directories, packing up my personal belongings, taking long lunches and frequent breaks and trying to survive the anxiety of just getting out of Dodge. During all that, I plan on blogging and visiting blogs as much as possible too.

That's all I've got for now, god how I hate Mondays. I'm Greenie, and this has been your Greenie update. Ciao'!

Pooper Friday!

Hahahahahhahaahhahhaaahhahhahaha!
That's the funniest joke EVER!




todays caption brought to you by: LELO in NoPo.



Good one Dad!

I'm Gonna Do It!

It's official as of yesterday, I'm going back to the nursery full time starting next month. If you work at the nursery and you are reading this, you need to keep your mouth shut.DO.YOU.HEAR.ME??? DOYOU? No talkie, talkie about this information whatsoever. There are still some things that need to be taken care of prior to my arrival and if you leak this sensitive information you will ruin it for all of us and not just me. I hope we have an understanding. If you come up to me and talk to me about this I will play dumb and tell you I have no idea what you are talking about while at the same time wriggling my now sexy eyebrows at you as in "WTF are you doing?"

I have to say how much I appreciate the encouragement received in the comments from the previous post. You guys are the bestest. I'm so excited right now, you have no idea. I've missed working there so much and working Sundays just seemed so pointless except that I enjoyed even that one day a week.

Of course, now I'll be outside everyday in the elements and it's now nearing the end of summer. But I'm undaunted by even this, as I love to be outside no matter what. I'll just go and get a good pair of boots, some rain gear and some thermals. It's all good!

I will continue to blog, but I fear there will be less of me at other blogs as a result of this move. I won't be online all day long after the 31st of August. I will log on daily and try to check in I promise. I'm not going to disappear. But I'm just going to have less of a daily presence. I know you understand. At least at the nursery I will continue to write columns for the newsletter, give water garden seminars and hopefully other similar activities.

Dag had a great idea too, about seeing if I can hang some of my photo's at the nursery. Thanks Dag, I'll look into that for sure.

Michelle, I know you're reading this, so please know that we miss you guys too. Nick is terrible about keeping in touch, but he does think about you. Please know that you are always welcome to come visit anytime. We will try to get down that way soon to see everyone again. I promise.

Mr. Bloggerific, the coffee cart idea was a good one, however, the one we had been looking into sold before we even got a chance. It's now under new ownership and they are slow as tar. She's trying though. A coffee shop in our future would be fun though, so I'm not giving up on that idea.

So that's the latest and greatest, I'm very excited about the prospects now. No more 1hr commutes to work and home everyday. The nursery is 5 miles from the house. So lots to look forward too, but first the vacation to San Diego.

Now I need everyone to turn their well wishes over to my suffering man. His back is causing him a great deal of pain again. Torrie knows of what I speak all to well. He just had an MRI done this morning and will see the neurosurgeon next Thursday. It's tough because he is in so much pain, and I can't do anything. He's already had one surgery; he really doesn't want another. So do that thing you do for him if you can.

What to do? What to do?

Some days it's hard to wait. It's funny how much energy it can take to keep your mind off one thing so as not to draw attention to it from the evil jinx factor. By nature, I'm not really a superstitious person, but some times, just some times I make a conscious effort to avoid the jinx.

Some of you have made guesses at what my big decision is from the previous post, and though some of them are entertaining and even worth consideration (ie: lasik surgery, marriage, boxers, and even new stilettos) they are unfortunately not the impending choice. With all the merger business going on around me lately and the ups and downs of decisions here, I find myself struggling with getting up in the morning to even come to work. The dynamic here has been so unstable and the attitudes and energy here are pretty low, myself included. Things are going to be changing around here in a lot of uncertain ways and I need to figure out if that's something that I can continue to endure.

I've updated my resume' on Monster and there are the occasional phone calls from recruiters with contract positions for 3-6 months, but that's not the ideal situation for me either. In my time working for this company, I've come to a few conclusions. I'm not cut out for corporate work. I'm not a climber and I'm not willing to act or play the part of the eager worker for someone that's trying too hard to be the "Team Leader". I'm just not meant for this kind of environment.

At this stage in my life, I find it very frustrating that I'm still this directionless in who or what I want to be. I've never been very good at being focused on one thing. I admire individuals who are so committed to being a doctor...hi kitten, or lawyer...xo Dawn. I never knew what I wanted to be when I grew up, but I remember there being all kinds of things that I thought I would want to be. I wanted to be a veterinarian...snaps to Dag, until I witnessed a cat having an abortion in the 8th grade and the vet removed 6 unborn kittens from her and discarded them. That image is burned in my mind for life.

I thought maybe I wanted to be a teacher and started going to school full time around the age of 34 to become an English teacher. I made it through fall and winter term, but spring term I had to drop out because Nick's mom had passed and I was missing too much school. I never went back and now I live here. The fact is, I'm not sure that I can tolerate going back to school now, even though I probably should.

I know I'm smart and capable of doing anything I want. I've proven to myself time and again that I can learn to do anything I put my mind to. It seems everyone harbors the dream or the fantasy of doing what they love and making money at it at the same time, but I don't believe that reality really exists or if it does, it's only for a select few. I think it's a lot like winning the lottery, which of course is something I wish I could do too. But, in order to win, you must play. Apparently this is true for doing what you love and making money at it. In order to be successful at it, you must do it first, even if it takes years to get the real financial rewards for your efforts. This of course flys in the face of my current cultural upbringing of instant gratification. Is there a 12 step program out there to get off that fix?

So what does a person with a background in Horticulture, English, with strong computer skills, excellent communication skills and sexy new eye brows do now? Does he stay where he is with the dependable income of the billing system analyst position or does he start over with what he loves, even if it means less steady financial returns?

I would love it if I could do this everyday. I would love to write for a living combined with photography. Does anyone know how to get started in that?

Look Mom...EYEBROWS!!!

Before you go there, NO! THIS is not the big change in my life, however, it's the first time in my life that I've had actual eyebrows that really stand out like normal peoples. Witness the before browage...or lack there of. I mean, they are there, but unless I'm Banana Boat Brown they don't show up. MUCH!



Now, I have eyes...with color and expression. I have expressive eyes people. The first day though was a little too Groucho Marx for me; I was a bit freaked out. The worse part was when she dyed the eyelashes...HOLY SHIT!!! That burns!!! The second worse part was the waxing. I have to say I do like them now. The color is getting closer to my own drapery color. For once, my carpet, drapery and valances are all the same shade. LOL!!!



The real change is still in the works ya'll. I'm waiting right now...patiently. For the sake of rumor control however, let me set the record right (can't use straight) on a few things.

1)No Cats! Nick is allergic, which means all cats LOVE HIM!!! No Mule, no wagon and no, no new hat. We are taking applications for Pool boys with names like Palo, Demitri or even Jose', but definitely not Yan, definitely.

2)No wedding bells until it's legal in all 50 states.

3)No riding mower, sadly.

4)FOLGERS?!?!? I am not my grandparents...not switching that.

5)Heh! Lawbrat...no new stellettos. :o)

6)Still wearing the tighty whities...ahem...too much floppage with the boxers. Not pretty. And no Golden Ticket either.

7)I couldn't go back into the closet even if I wanted too...it's too damn full. We really gotta help those people get out. However, a love child with Mistress Bucky could prove troubling for the balance of the known universe. Approach this with caution.

8) Still using the 2 ply.

I hope this clears up any and all confusion to this point. Now go back up and admire the Brows. SEXY!!!

Looking for Inspiration

I'm making some decisions about things right now. Making some changes in my day to day life. I can't reveal what that is yet, but it's coming, and it's not just a feeling, it's a definite change. I'm not sure what the timelines are yet, but I will soon. When I know more clearly when the changes are going to occur, I'll be sure to let you know more fully. Right now, I'm looking to be inspired by this decision, looking for that omen of good fortune that this is the best direction. I have to believe that I'm going to be much happier as a result.

Google Me This Way

I'm the #5 result on Google for.....

SEX THUMB

I know it's not Tuesday....but WTF?

Pooper Friday

Hi everyone, this is Harlow. Okay, Dad is typing, but I'M the one telling HIM what to say. ( she really is that pushy...ouch!) As I was saying before smart ass interjected, this is me writing a response to last weeks informative, if loving letter.

So dear Dad, first and foremost, let's get some things straight...oh wait, we're not allowed to use that word. Sorry. Let's come to an understanding on a few matters. As for the ball under things...do you even realize how short your tolerance levels are. You get down on the floor and retrieve that ball quicker than the other one does. You are so easy. In that one act I have accomplished your attention on me, getting you on the floor and you touching the ball and sometimes even throwing it out of frustration. Simple man.

As for the day you brought me home and the impending weeks of HELL that followed, I'm so glad that it meant so much to you. I didn't think you were ever going to give up that CRAZY idea of me being kept in that torture chamber you kept calling 'crate'. WTF man? It took me days of faking convulsions to finally get you to relent. You don't take a girl from her family and then treat her like that. I'm just saying. So get over the nose prints on the window already, somethings are just not going to change.

All that being said, I will say this, I love you daddy. You are my best buddy and play pal. I live for the days that we go to the field and I get to run faster than all the other dogs. I love splashing through the stream and chasing the ball. I love playing with my best dog gal pal Rosie too. Can we have another sleep over soon? But mostly, I love to get up on the couch between you and poppa at night and feel all safe and warm under my blanket. I love getting out of my bed in the middle of the night and crawling under the comforter next to you too. In case you don't already know it, I'm a very happy dog princess. (her words not mine)

Love,
Harlow

You can't fake this kind of intensity...

Catching some air...

I got out of the office at lunch and instead of sitting in my car, feeding my face and reading a trashy novel, I decided to go find new and exciting subjects to capture with the D70. They're not great quality shots, but I have never taken pictures like this before. The funny thing, the boys all started doing more and more stunts, jumping higher and higher. The whole time I'm thinking...WHERE ARE YOUR HELMETS???

Greenie Update

You know the old saying, "waiting for the other shoe to drop"? Well, last Friday, the other shoe hit the floor. For months now, 7 months to be exact, I and many others have been adjusting to the idea of having to find new employment sometime between now and spring. Already several people (I believe around 180) have received the notice that their last day will be September 15th. We were told that if you didn't receive this notice, that you would be around until the conversion in March of 2006, at which time additional layoffs with severance and bonus would most likely happen.

Friday, we were taken into conference rooms and informed that our new company has changed it's strategy and is intending to keep us on indefinitely here in Seattle. Do you know that sound of a skidding car right before the ::CRASH:: sound and then the ::CRASH:: sound happens? Ya, that's what I heard in my head and apparently it's what was displayed on my face. I could never play a game like poker, I can't hide how I feel to save my life and that day was no different. What was worse, is that every time the senior manager revealed a new bit of information, they were all turning and looking at me, anticipating me to say something I suppose or waiting for me to have a total freak out. I might add here, I have no history of this kind of behavior here at work, so stop looking at me already. Sheesh!!!

So now I'm trying to get my bearings as to what all this means to me. Part of me thinks that this is a tactical move on the new company's part. A lot of individuals, myself included, have really slacked off in their work over the course of the last month, especially with all the picnics and other activities signifying the end of the old company. I've been thinking about my future and what I should do next, trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up. I spent my bonus money from last payday paying off my credit cards and getting myself strategically ready for layoff. I'm not getting layed off, there is no severance to look forward to. I have to continue to work here and now I don't want to, at all.

The one good thing out of all of this is that I'm no longer on hold. I have felt like I have been in a holding pattern waiting for some indication that it was over. In my mind, it's over now. I can make a decision about taking a new position somewhere else and not feel like I'm making a bad financial decision because I'm not getting any severance now. I've turned down several recruiter calls because of this and the fact that most of them are contract positions anyway, but that's not the point, the point is I'm free to make a move if I feel inclined. So there is something positive out of this. Let's face it, I want out of here real bad. It's just not the environment I want to be in anymore.

I was thinking about it yesterday and the day before, that the personality types that do well in a corporate climate are more tailored toward those who like that "Go Team" attitude or that highly social structure that has those motivated individuals going around trying to motivate others for a financial goal. I've never been one of those individuals that likes to set group goals and personal goals for accomplishments. I see their merit and understand the reasoning behind it, but it's just not something I dig. This is probably why I'll never be successful or rich, but if that's what it takes and that's the kind of person I have to be then I'll pass, thanks. I don't think that I'm a lazy person work wise or mentally. I believe that I'm a hard worker and that I'm pretty intelligent and that I just need to find my niche. I just don't know what that is. Anyone have a map? I need some ideas for a possible career path.

In other news, the patio is aaallllllmost done. I've been working 7 days a week in job related activity and just haven't had the energy to get out there and finish. But it is almost done. I'm hoping to work on it Saturday and lay the last of the cobbles.

I do feel that my adult A.D.D. symptoms have abated for the most part. I still have moments of frustration, but the need to write and post is stronger. Writing about Nicks mom the other day really helped me to reach something inside. I don't know how to describe it, but it was very cathartic for me. I want to express again my gratitude to the commenters on that post. You really did say things that helped me see it differently. They were and are very healing words. Thank you.

On a really bright note, we are finalizing vacation details this week to spend a week in sunny San Diego in September. We have a condo on the beach for 7 nights. Our friends in London are going to be joining us there, so really looking forward to seeing them again. I've never been to San Diego, so I'm looking forward to a new city, the zoo, Sea World and Balboa Park. I'm getting a 1 gig card for the D70 and an extra battery before we go. I can't wait to spend evenings on the patio eating, drinking, laughing and watching sunsets with friends. We are over due for a break after all this stuff this year.

That's all the news that's fit to print, this has been your Greenie update. Good Day!

Let's Talk About Sex

I was having a conversation with a gal pal last week and as things are want to do, the topic of sex came up. I don't know what it is, but it just seems like women in general are very comfortable talking to me about sex. I was sitting at a picnic table reading my book, when said gal pal and friend came along and asked to join me. Without fail, I always seem to be at a critical part of the story whenever I have to put my book down for anything, but I did put it down.

We start chatting in general about work, boyfriends, relationships, and then sex. Reading that sentence over again, I think the unifying theme of that list is frustration. Apparently after living together for over a year, their sexual activity has become non-existent. She said "it's pretty bad when you can remember the exact time and place of the last time you had sex. Used to be that it was so often that recalling the last time and place was often mistook for another occurrence. Now, it's like this landmark event that occurred that I look back on as a moment in history, one that appears to never be repeated." I'm paraphrasing here, but you get the general idea of the direction of the discussion.

Being the quasi-investigative therapist type that I am, I go through the list of questions to try and discover the core issues with this particular case. First and foremost, I asked "Have you talked to him about it?" She says that she has brought it up multiple times with him usually sitting there quietly while she is left trying to figure it out with things like, "is it because I gained weight?" or god forbid, "is there someone else?" which she says brings out the obvious no, no, there isn't anyone else. Hmmmmmm.

I asked her about their previous sex life prior to living together, to which she replied, "we did it all the time." Of course, in the back of my mind, I'm thinking back on us, and thinking, ya, we did it all the time too and smiled. That's when I realized she was still talking and I wasn't hearing anything and snapped back into attention. I told her that often times with relationships that the physical tends to become more and more secondary as a relationship matures and that the sexual activity tends to peak and valley over the course of a long term relationship and that it's probably nothing. Of course, in the back of my mind I'm thinking no guy in his 30's is having a valley sexually...it's just not normal.

I asked her how he was doing emotionally. Did he seem depressed? Were there other things going on that could be contributing to the lack of activity? She says, that in all other things with regards to their relationship and his day to day activity, life is normal, even good. She says, "I know he's not cheating on me, so don't even go there. I can account for his time." I simply said that "one doesn't need an entire hour of a day to accomplish a few minutes of release. I'm just saying." This did not give her any comfort I might add.

The topic of 'Are you IN LOVE with him' came up to which she said yes. I asked if she thought he was in love with her and she said she believed it was so. She talked about how affectionate he was, attentive to her and even surprising her with little gifts. Being the devils advocate, I asked if maybe, and only maybe if those things that she just mentioned were done out of a sense of guilt? This of course got no immediate reply. Whether she wanted it to or not, this had to be taken into consideration and so she considered it.

I'm not an expert on relationships or sex. I'm fairly new to both in fact, at least in my opinion. I have watched friends go through similar issues, even talked with friends who have been together for 20 years about what it's been like. My understanding is that relationships take a lot of focus and work, that there are good periods, bad periods and just so-so periods. When I think about my relationship, I can check off each one of those criteria for myself. One thing that I also noticed and understood from another couples experience, is that when you stop communicating about what the other wants or needs, you tend to start fulfilling those needs on your own. To me, this is hazardous territory in that you start going down a path on your own and not together. I told her, this is an early warning sign that you could be growing apart.

I also suggested that her frustration with their situation could lead her to resentment, distrust and anger if it's left unchecked and unresolved. She said that she already has feelings of resentment and when I asked her why, she said that she discovered that he was downloading porn on the internet. She said at first she tried to reason it out that this is just what guys do and admitted that even she has her own access to things to stimulate herself. But that the longer she thought about it the angrier she got. She said that she felt like this just fueled her sense that she was inadequate for him sexually and that he was seeking out alternatives other than her.

I have to say at this point I'm way beyond my own ability to know what to do or say for her. I convey this to her and tell her that the only thing I can think of to suggest is that she talk to him about it again and again until she's satisfied with the answers she's getting. We talked about the fact that it makes her appear suspicious and insecure, and I told her that he's making you feel that way by not contributing to the solution.

I think that a lot of the things we discussed helped to make her view of the situation a little more clear, but I don't believe that she has any sense of comfort from it either. I don't know what else to tell her other than to continue trying to communicate with him. She clearly loves him and is willing to do whatever it takes to make their situation better, but like I told her, it takes two, to make a thing go right.

Pooper Friday!

"OH...I feel it...I think I.CAN.ALMOST...GAAAAH!"


Click on Pic for Slide Show

Oh Harlow, Harlow, Harlow...Will it never end, this endless obsession with your ball? Why do you have to push it under things only to have me extract it time and time again? I guess I shouldn't complain too much, because I do get some sort of pleasure in your antics...just a little.

It's hard to believe that it's been two years since we brought you home and into our lives. You came at a time when I needed you most and you began to fill a void that had been there too long. How a person can love an animal so much is beyond me, but to me you are more than a dog, you are my best friend, my pride and joy, my nap buddy and yes, you are my child.

Nothing makes me smile the way you do when I pull in the drive way and I see you looking at me from the living room window. I can see your joy and excitement and it makes that hideous commute all worth it. Speaking of the living room window, we've been meaning to talk to you about the nose prints and streaks. Any chance you could maybe, you know...KNOCK IT OFF!!! No? That's what I thought.

So while I'm at this, I should let you in on a little secret. You know when you ring the bell at the back door to go out and no one comes to open the door? Ya, um...we don't get up on purpose because...well...it's just so darn funny when you walk over to the kitchen doorway and peek under the dining room table to stare at us watching TV and then go back and ring it REAL loud. (laughter) Ya, we're not laughing at the TV, especially when you do it a third time even LOUDER.

Even though I love to torment you and push your buttons, I love to love on you more than anything. I think my favorite moment is in the morning when you realize I'm about to leave and you come out from the bedroom all sleepy, warm and squishy and get up in my lap for a few minutes for kisses. It just melts me every time. It's made even more special, because I know you don't do this with your other Poppa, it's something that we have only.

I love you Poopy Poop...you make my life so entertaining, warm and comforting. I just can't imagine it with out you here.

Love Daddy.

Taking a Deep Breath

I took this yesterday morning on my way to work. I drive by this everyday and everyday I say stop and take a picture of this. I'm so glad I did. There are more shots on Flickr.

Thank you for the support and the affirmation from yesterdays commentors. Until then, I had never mentioned my feelings about that day. Sometimes you really have to work hard to step away from your perspective of a situation, especially one as difficult as that was, to be able to see it clearly. You really helped me to do that yesterday and for that I am grateful. I truly believe that my intent was not to upset or scare, but in that moment of what I perceived as 'recognition' from her, it scared me and I really thought the worst. I don't anymore. Thank you again.

Sometimes I Get Scared

There is something that I keep thinking about, I keep trying to decide if I should write about it. I even wonder if I can write about it, and not just from a personal emotional standpoint, but from an interpersonal point of view as well. It's not just about me, it would involve individuals who read this too.

It all happened 3 years ago. Nick and I were still living in separate cities and he was down to visit me for my birthday in Portland. I remember it being the perfect sunny spring day, we had gotten up early to go to the market and had a great time. We came back to the apartment to drop of the items from the market. I was busy putting things away and doing this and that. I walked into the living room and Nick was sitting there on the sofa with his cell phone to his ear, listening. I could see that something was wrong, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything. I waited.

He closed his phone and he was in a state of shock. He said, "my mom is in the hospital and Gordon says I need to come home now". Nick's mom had been admitted to the hospital that morning with meningitis and was in the ICU. There was no way I was going to let him drive himself home in his condition. We loaded up the car and I drove us to Bellevue. I think it was the fastest time I have ever made between Portland and Seattle.

We got there just before they sedated her. Gordon tried to tell us not to be scared, that it's not going to be easy to see her. Nothing could of prepared us for what was on the other side of that door. We had to be gowned, gloved and masked before we could go in. The nurses tried to prepare us too, saying things like, if you feel faint to let them know right away, they had smelling salts ready just in case. None of this was registering with me at the time, but I do remember them being very concerned. What I remember is that my eyes were constantly on Nick. He was so nervous, so scared.

One of the nurses led us into the room. She let us know that she was still awake but that she was heavily drugged with pain killers. She was on a ventilator to help her breath. Heart monitors were beeping and machines were whirling and gasping. The lights were dimmed and curtains were drawn. What we saw before us was not Nicks mom. I had to grab him and hold onto him. My heart broke into ten thousand pieces in that moment.

Nick kept me a secret from his friends and his mom for a long time. I don't think he thought we would ever make it long enough for it to matter. Silly boy that he was back then, he had no idea what he got himself into did he? At some point, I was beginning to think he was an orphan and had no friends, but little by little that did change. The first time I met his mom, I knew I was going to like her. She was fabulous; tiny, feisty, gorgeous and she made me feel right at home. We went shopping together, went out to lunch and really enjoyed ourselves. I think it was one of the first times that I knew that I loved Nick. They were a team of sorts, something between them there that I didn't understand then but do now. They had survived something together and they were there for each other. I knew at that moment that he was a good man. I would only see her a few more times after that, another dinner together and on Christmas eve. I still have the Sting album she bought for me.

That night in the ICU, my precious man had his whole world turned upside down. I felt so helpless, so powerless to do anything but hold him. I told him to talk to her, let her know you're here. He was so afraid. She didn't look anything like his mom. The virus had made her body swell up, it had burst the blood vessels and her body was bleeding extensively internally. Her skin was purple and black. Her eyes were open but they were full of blood, and as he leaned down to her, they seemed to be searching for him, but we knew that she was blind. Nick tried, but it was too much for him and he had to leave.

This is where I get scared sometimes...this is the part that I live with every day. This is what I have never said to a single living soul that gives me so much fear. I leaned down close to her, I let her know that we were here, that it was okay. Nick was here. I told her not to be afraid. Why I said this next part, is beyond me now. When I think back on it, it gives me a great deal of anxiety and it feels so insensitive and even cruel. I told her thank you for having such a beautiful son, I promised her that I would love him with everything I had and that I would always take care of him. She seemed to realize what I was saying and her eyes began to move rapidly, I told her it's okay, it's okay, don't worry...we're here and it's okay. But at that moment, I realized that I had caused her to think the unthinkable, that she was going to die.

The nurse came in and said that it was time to sedate her. It was the last time Jeanette was conscious. I spent 4 agonizing days in an ICU waiting room with 4 very amazing individuals who were directly tied to this woman. I felt like an observer in the middle of a tragedy, but I felt my heart breaking with every moment spent with them too. Her father was there. The year before he had lost his wife during the summer. That Thanksgiving, he lost his oldest daughter and now he was losing his youngest and only daughter. The fiance' was there. He was like a little boy in some ways, completely lost and helpless. He didn't want to believe that she wouldn't be there in the morning and would do anything it took to keep her alive. The best friend was there. She was strong and quiet, suffering horribly at the thought of losing her truest and dearest friend. Trying as best she could to comfort the fiance' and the father. The son was there. He was quiet, scared and afraid of losing his best friend and mentor. All of them wondering how this could be happening to them, to her. I was there, feeling so helpless and ill equipped, feeling broken and filled with sorrow for Nick. Trying to be strong and to be there for anything at all he needed from me. But inside I was tortured by my words, they are still there in my head and I hear the wrongness of it still.

In retrospect from a physiological perspective, and based on what we know now, she most likely was not able to hear anything. Her body was deteriorating rapidly from loss of blood flow. She could not see and she had lost basic functions of her body by the time we arrived. Attempts were made to save her by amputation, but one final exploratory surgery revealed that her organs were too far gone. Had she survived, they said that she would not be able to function normally ever again. She would be brain damaged, deaf, blind and without hands and legs. I may never know fully if what I said to her caused her to panic, but I still can not forgive myself for those insensitive words. For months after, I had nightmares about this ordeal. I had nightmares of getting sick and being alone and not having anyone to help me get to the hospital. I got anxiety every time my throat hurt. I would wake up soaked in sweat and get up in the morning and check my body for any signs of purple blotches.

I can't describe the effects this has had on me as well as I can describe in details the events of this horrible tragedy. The images of her are burned in my memory. Sometimes I try to find a picture of her when she was normal just to try and replace the bad one, but we don't have any of them out and I understand why.

I didn't know this woman long, but I have cried many tears for her son, her fiance, the father and the best friend. I weep for their loss, but I weep for my guilt too. Someday I hope to see her again and I hope that we can be okay together. If there is a heaven and she's there, I have to hope that she already knows how sorry I am and that all that's left is for me to forgive myself. I've never been good at that.

Just more of the same...

Another weekend is gone and today marks the first full day as an employee for the new company. Things were a bit frustrating this morning with the new sign on's and the email not working properly. I used to have a name, but now I'm just a number. It's the steady decline of what is inevitably my future here. I'm so not sad about that, but I'm totally bummed about the prospect of several more months of monotony and low moral. Nick did make an interesting comment though, he said, "More time for blogging", so I'll take that as an endorsement for my time here. I just need to get on track with good material or topics to write about. I seem to be walking in a fog lately.

Saturday we went to the wedding. Very traditional and such a sharp contrast to the Hindu wedding. It was very interesting. The bride was so beautiful, she just looked lovely; as well she should. The bride reads my blog actually, but I have only one thing that I couldn't believe with regard to apparel at the wedding. So first and foremost, Carmen, I'm sorry if this is offensive, but girl you gotta believe me when I say I couldn't' freakin' believe my eyes. One guy came wearing powder blue velour running pants with white leather tennis shoes and a white t-shirt. That was it. He sat right up front. I was stunned, and I was quickly shushed by mister when I gasped at his outfit when he walked in and sat down. I know we all do things differently, but come on folks, it was pretty obvious by the wedding party and those in attendance what the proper attire was/should of been. Okay...There, I got that out. Again, sorry Carmen, this is no reflection on you at all. It's totally on him only.

D70 didn't get out of the bag at all at this wedding. There were dueling Canon Rebels on site and they were all over this wedding. Plus, I just didn't have the personal connection to this wedding like the other. I would of really felt like an intruder. Nick did make sure that I had plenty of Gin and Tonics on hand though and by the time we left there I was feeling very relaxed, very smooth. It was an early night for greenie.

Sunday at the nursery was so unbelievably hot people and I've got the sunburn to show for it. No wind! There was no wind, no gentle cooling breeze to relieve us. My arms and legs are already browning up, but my neck is gonna peel like a bitch, so is my scalp. Ouch! Today it's overcast and cool and it feel oh so good, but summer is not over yet according to the forecast. This is just a reprieve.

Uh-ba-dee ba-dee ba-dee...tha' that's all folks!