African Mask Plant

Grrrrr!

I'm so irritated this morning.

Okay, so we all know that I've been a little under the weather etc, etc...but what really burns me up is that when I call in this morning to say I won't be in again today all I get is okay thanks. It's very flat and maybe it's my guilt or something, but I totally feel like I did something wrong. I hate that feeling. For over 4 weeks I've been coughing and miserable and going into work. Don't make me feel guilty.

I need to go into business for myself...I hate being subject to someone else. With this whole merger deal and the bonus's and severance, I feel like I'm captive. Like I'm on hold or something. Why can't I just win the Lottery...oh ya, I forgot...BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO PLAY to win ding dong.

Blog-a-holics Anonymous

Hello, my Name is Greenthumb (a.k.a. greenie) I'm a blog-a-holic. At the beginning I blogged at home, at the office, at other peoples houses that had cable internet. I even blogged from the Apple Store once.

My doctor asked me what's so different about me yesterday...what's changed. I took a deep breath and I told her...I'M A BLOGGER...I BLOG!!! She said it's been good for me, I seem happier even if I'm on deaths bed with this cough. (Bronchitis by the way)

And she's right. I am happier. I told her I was worried that I'm a bit consumed by it, that I might be doing it too much. She said, "you won't go blind from masterbation, you're not going to go blind blogging either. If it feels good and you're happy, do what works for you."

I love my doctor.

Now what the hell is a Kinja page?

I couldn't resist...

I was sitting in the exam room and they were just sitting on the shelf so innocently...I just moved them closer.

Hey!(cough) How's it(cough) going?....COUGH!!!

Well, the weekend is at an end and I'm sitting here thinking...I don't want to go back to work tomorrow. It's been a wet and rainy weekend here in the Seattle area, probably most of Western WA, but I'm not watching anywhere else at the moment. The field that I take Harlow to play in is usually a marsh in the spring from all the rain, but until this weeekend it's been pretty dry. We've gotten so much water in the last 3 days, it's as if it never left us.

We've spent the better part of the weekend at home nursing bad backs (his went out too) and my unrelenting cough. It's been over three weeks with this cough and I'm so tired of it. If I get too hot, I cough. If I laugh, I cough. If I try to talk to fast or loud, I cough. If I breath in to deep or normal, I COUGH!!! I'm leaving off the other part of the coughing...the stuff that comes with the coughs...sometimes. BLEGH!!!

Anyway, it was a try to take care of ourselves weekend. I made a yummy curry with salmon and shrimp for last night and we had tortallini with pesto tonight. Both nights we had fresh strawberry and angel food cake. I don't understand why we're not feeling better. Maybe we need chocolate, ya, chocolate bunnies are everywhere, at a discount now no less.

Ah well, it's not all bad. I did get a new episode of Desperate Housewives tonight and that was totally AWESOME!!!

Bawk! Bawk! Thank you Easter Bunny

THIS JUST IN.....

Our own roving reporter Greenthumb, with his hidden camera, has uncovered quiet possibly the biggest scam on urban homo's everywhere since Santa GATE. Dum! Dum! Dum! The Easter Bunny....hires unsuspecting suburb dwelling homo's to color his eggs for him.

Cactus in Black and White

TGIF

I couldn't be happier that it's Friday. I'm home alone tonight and able to fiddle around on the net and make new changes as evident here. I liked the other look, but it felt so simple and plain. I'll get this masthead thing figured out pretty soon. Time to touch base with my Mississippi momma and see if she's got some tips or tricks to share.

Tonight I'm nursing my back a little. For whatever reason this morning I got a pinch and spasming set in. It settled down after a handful of advil, but tonight while walking with friends at the field with the dogs, I stepped across the ditch and BAM! I was almost down again. I hate having a bad back. Anyway, it's a quiet evening for me and Harlow. I've loaded more music on to the iPod and picked up some accessories today at the Apple store. That place is like a temple. I love that huge flat screen monitor. mmmmmmm....slurp! I picked up a nice leather case for the iPod, they scratch super easy, and the iTravel so I can play it on my speakers in the car.

It's looking like rain tomorrow and Sunday, so I don't know if there will be an egg hunt on Sunday here at the house. What??? I like to hunt for Easter eggs just like Bucky does. What's the difference? Speaking of eggs, I best get them colored tomorrow just in case.

Alright, that's it for tonight. Nightie, night internet.

BAWK! BAWK! Thank you Easter Bunny!

Watch Sports??? Um...no honey, we're homo's.

Nicho says: Danyelle asked me if you and I watched sports (cause she is excited that the Huskys are doing well I guess)

Nicho says: I told her, "honey, we're homos"

Joseph says: oh dear

Nicho says: she looked at me like, and?

Nicho says: lol

Joseph says: she doesn't know?

Nicho says: she knows we are homos

Joseph says: homo's don't watch sports

Nicho says: but didnt realize that we arent into that in general

Joseph says: well no, not real homos

Nicho says: lol

Joseph says: and if they do, it's only to see crotch and ass

Nicho says: lol

Self Portrait Day???

Okay, so maybe not self, but this is it this week...I'm extending my good feelings from Wednesday into Thursday.

What a nice day

Today was all about me day. Today, is my 37th birthday and I got to do things I enjoy. My day started out with blogging, then a haircut. After that, I took a trip to the conservatory at Volunteer Park, where sping is in full swing.



I had a great time taking pictures inside as well...



Afterwards, Nick and I met back up at the house and we went to the BIG nursery out in Maltby and we strolled around in the sunshine looking at everything. It was a lovely day to be outside. We came back to town and went to the Apple store and I picked up my birthday present...I GOT AN IPOD!!!!! I'm sooooo stoked. I can't wait to use it tomorrow. No more burning cd's to play over and over. Woohoo!

We just got home from dinner with two lovely friends M&M. We had yummy indian food and great conversation and lots of laughs. This was just about as nice a day as I could ever ask for.

10 things you probably didn't need to know...TO BAD!

I'm supposed to be writing an article on climbing vines right now, but I'm just not in the flow to think or write about the facinating world of gardening with vertical spaces. I just finished reading the comment section from todays earlier post and I'm touched by the sentiments that were shared here today. Thanks to everyone who validated my assertion that the real appeal to blogging comes from the community...no...MY community of blog-a-teers. We all have our little circle of visitors who each in their own way, make contributions to the greater whole. It's refreshing to know, that they do it responsibly and well with just the right amount of humor and sarcasm to keep your feet on the ground.

I liked Amanda B.'s "Things About Me" list and I'm going to be a copy-cat, because immitation is the sincerest compliment.

1. I can skin and gut a deer, a chicken or Fish, but I can't watch Plastic Surgery shows. It really gives me the willies! I literally have to leave the room.
2. I've never used recreational drugs. I grew up around it but never tried it.
3. I'm the only child of my biological parents.
4. I served 2 years as a Mormon Missionary.
5. I met my partner through an Internet Personals Ad. This May will mark 4 years togther.
6. I once waited on Jodi Foster in the dining room I worked at. She was filming "Maverick". She is soooo tiny. I was under strict instructions to take her order and deliver her food and nothing else. She was in and out like a small grey mouse.
7. I've never been to Disneyland, but my family has. Both times I was away for the summer working.
8. I got pulled over for expired tags and was arrested on the spot. I had a warrent out for my arrest for an unpaid parking violation. HONEST.
9. I'm an information whore, but I'm an expert of nothing. How does that go? Do'er of Many, Master of None?
10. If I could get pregnant and have a child of my own, I would so do it in a hearts beat. No offense to the uterus bearing bloggies, but seriously, I envy you. That's the one thing about being gay that I hate, inadequate equipment. There's the whole foundation for why it's UN-NATURAL, but hey...I ams who I AMS.

Blogging for blogging sake...

There has been a lot discussion lately about why we blog. I've been thinking about it off an on for a couple days now, trying to come up with what it is about blogging that is so compelling for me. It's clear from reading many different types of blogs that there are a multitude of topics, styles, genres and focuses out there, but was does blogging mean to me?

The first blog was a secret one. I don't think I even kept it more than a month. I tried to use it as a place to vent or rant about my ills. I started reading other blogs here and there and began to see the different styles of writing that were out there and that got me to thinking, that this is what I want my blog to be like. I'm sure that I'm probably the 10,000th blogger to say that my inspiration came one day when I literally stumbled upon Dooce.com. It was then that I realized that the format could be anything I wanted, even all things at once.

My first post on this current blog was this:
(MSN Chat with Nick)

Pooper Scooper

Nicho says: guess what I did at lunch

Joseph says: I'm afraid to guess

Nicho says: it is something that will make you happy

Nicho says: lol

Joseph says: did you pick up poop?

Nicho says: I picked up the poop

Joseph says: (K)(K)(K)(K)(L)

Nicho says: :-)

Nicho says: I cant believe you guessed

Joseph says: was there a lot?

Nicho says: omg tons

And so, my blog was born and appropriately so with the theme du jour...POOP!

The thing that happened next and the part that surprised me the most, was when someone left a comment on my blog for the first time. A fellow blogger by the handle "Dang Cold" in Toronto was my very first commenter.

That was the beginning of the most enjoyable aspect of my blog, the community of fellow beings that started frequenting my site and leaving comments. Some are hilarious and make me laugh so hard, others have made me smile and even made me start leaking from my eye's(note to self: make appt. to have leakage problem resolved once and for all).

Before I started blogging, I was a miserable little turnip, an angry white man that just seemed to have no purpose or place here in this foreign land. While I love my man, my dog and my home and I feel like we are getting to the point that it really feels like OUR home, I've been terribly lonesome. I miss my friends in Portland and I miss the banter and the laughter. I want them to read this site and be able to understand what it's all about for me. This is not a replacement for them and I want more than anything for this to be a way to keep them up to date on me and what I'm up to, what I'm thinking.

Alas, I fear that blogs seem foreign to a lot of people, I know I had reservations about the format myself. It seems a bit self serving at times, but then, that's kinda what I need right now. All I know is, that since I started this and the Project Greenthumb, I'm much more even tempered, I'm engaged and I'm happier. I smile more, I laugh a whole lot more and I'm motivated to do things to the yard. My two passions are gardening and writing and I get to do both.

this is all BUCKY's FAULT

1. What book would I like to be?
Huckleberry Finn

2.Have I ever had a crush on a fictional character?
I just can't recall any possibility with that one at all.

3.What is the last book I bought?
Jewel Box Gardens

4. What is the last book I read?
Ellen Degeneres the funny thing is...

5.What am I currently reading?
Chainfire by Terry Goodkind (escape-ism)

6. What 5 books would I take with me if I were stranded on an island?
The Color Purple by Alice Walker
My Side of the Mountain
The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen
The Hours by Michael Cunningham
Dust Tracks in the Road by Zora Neal Hurston

7. What 3 people am I going to tag and make answer these questions and why?
Amanda B., because she is just the shizle in my lil' black book.
Kristine, because she make me laugh so hard and she loves my garden blog.
Mamaramma, because she calls her baby girl 'bird' and that makes me smile.

Peaceful Times

New Look Indeed

Okay, okay...so the new look thing is hitting some glitches. I'm so inept at this whole template thing, but I promise to figure it out this weekend. I got so tired of the limitation of some of Blogger templates. I want the flexibility to post large or small photos and a lot of the frames just don't auto adjust for that.

There are a lot of things about blogging that are limiting it seems. I want to be able to categorize and order things like I've seen on the Dooce.com sight, but I don't have a web programmer to do that for me. I did stumble on to this site diaphaneity.com that has some cool skins though. I just want to tweek it to be more customized to my look and feel.

So stay tuned and hopefully I'll get things ironed out this weekend. HOPEfully.

Bad Hair SPD

Man, I woke up this morning feeling really rotten and....CRABBY!

Kinkos Sucks it!

As many of you know, I've been spreading cold/flu germs on many a blog this last few days. Apparently it has work, since the fiesty and ever so whitty Bucky Four Eyes can attest. Sorry B4E, I hope you feel better soon. And since Blogger will not co-operate and let me post a comment to your Willford Brimley comment...it's the walrus like mustache isn't it? You like the oversized flavor saver don't you?

Well, tonight was the last night of Technical Writing class and I have to say that my group cleaned up pretty good. There were only three work groups so the presentation went quickly and after seeing what the other two did, I really have to say that ours was the most original and the one with the most personality. Not to say that theirs wasn't useful, just dull.

The one thing that I lament and have stuck in my craw is the printing process. I give unto you, the evil empire that is KINKOS. I had no previous experience with this dominion of money grubbers and so went in uninformed. Let me tell you, I came out of that one a lot wiser. Just take a guess at what the charged me to punch a hole in the document (8pgs. laminated)? Any guess's...Bucky? Susie? Anyone? $5!!!

Here's how it went down:

Ring, Ring....oh wait, my cell doesn't ring.....vrrrrrrb! vrrrrrrb!
Me: Hello!?
EE(evil empire): HI Mr. Greenthumb! Just wanted to let you know we were finished with your print job.
Me: Okay thanks. Can you tell me what the total was?
EE: $99.58
Me: Excuse me!!! What did you say?
EE: $99.58
Me: How is that possible?
At this point she starts going down the list of itemized charges to which I'm partially agreeing with thinking it sounds reasonable, that is until she got to the last one...
EE: $5 to drill thru the left corner of the laminated copy.
Me: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
EE: no, sorry, but that's what we charge.
Me: That's rediculous, I'll be right down.
EE: Okay.

Now this is the part that really cracked me up...well, later. I walk in and tell them I'm there to pick up the Greenthumb packet. I could tell that it was the same person I spoke to on the phone.

EE: Your total is $99.58
Me: $5 dollars to put a hole in 8 cards??? You really expect me to see the legitamacy of that?
EE: Well, it's like this...It's a set up...I mean...oh that's not how I meant to say it.
Me: Your damn straight its a setup. This is crap.
EE: No, no...we have this press over there, and it's a setup fee for the press that drills thru the cards. That way they are all the same size and in the same place on each sheet.
Me: Well, that makes perfect sense, as opposed to it going towards the man power required to do the work themselves, but a machine, well here then, take my $5 and don't think another thing about it.

It's one thing to charge for high quality paper, color printing or lamination...but $5 to punch holes in 8 pieces of paper? I'm clearly not in the right business.



All that aside, the project turned out very professional looking and very sharp. I'm quite proud of the final product. Now if I can just figure out how to minimize production costs, I could turn around a sell it, it's that good, but at the current cost, I would have to charge $27.00 a copy just to make expenses. It's cool, but not that cool.

Monday is OVER!!!

Holy Cow! I've been fighting a bugger of a cold since last Thursday. I thought that I was pretty much over it by Saturday and so, went to work on Sunday at the nursery. It was a beautiful day out and that means...CRAZY ASS BUSY at the nursery. I was on the go the whole time and my jaws were in constant motion talking to everyone and their dog. Yes, dogs...well one particular dog, a 12 week old German Shorthair that was just so freakin cute. Well, by the time I got home last night my ass was draggin' and my voi, my voi...ahem...sorry my voi-sa was gone. I woke up this morning completely hoarse. Since I had already missed 1 1/2 days at work and we are short handed this month because my co-worker is on Paternity leave, I HAD to go in today and get caught up on his and my work.

I started out pretty good this morning, I got thru his stuff and started on mine. But by about noon today, I was fading fast. I left for about 30 mins to run some errands and get some Robitusin. I got back and started in on my work and just for one brief moment, no more than 30 seconds I'm sure, I closed my eyes. The next thing I know my arm goes bezerk and my mouse goes flying. Ooops! It was a battle the rest of the afternoon. If not for Dooce.com and my bloggies, I probably wouldn't of made it the rest of the day. I had to really work hard on NOT laughing as a coughing fit would unleash itself immeadiatly.

I'm off to bed early tonight to try and recoup some of my energy. Good night bloggies!

Morning

Harlow looking for ducks...like she would know what to do with one if she ever got one.

Give Poppa Some Sugar

Self Portrait Thursday

Gay Marriage Debate is now up to the WA Supreme Court

There's a storm a raging in the state of Washington over who can marry whom. Or is that whom can marry who...debate that some other time, this is important damn it. Okay, well, like I was sayin', there's a lot of yellin' and hatin' and pushin' and shovin' and it's all par for the course. You know what I mean? This is challenging a huge cultural behemoth here.

For those of you who don't know this, Washington state is divided in two, more or less. The West is the most populace, the most commercial, the most everything. The east is the rural side of things with smaller cities, bigger spaces (certainly some of the prettiest open spaces too) and lets face it, there is a stronger current of conservativism. Now that's not to say that it's all one way here and the other there. We've got the full spectrum of beliefs and ideals, but King County is the heart of the state in a lot of ways and what happens here can have a drastic effect for those in the rural locations.

IF, and I say IF because it's not a known yet, Gay Marriage is legalized here, it could be the start of a lot of discontent for a lot of people. This would be a social change that flies in the face of some pretty hard core beliefs. I understand that and I accept that this would be a difficult thing for some people. The key word here is CHANGE. I know first hand how hard change can be. I know a lot of us do. But a fundamental change in things like Gay Marriage is pretty monumental and I have to wonder...What does that mean to me?

I was raised Mormon for a considerable part of my life. That doesn't mean that we were always part of the church. We weren't. There were many years where I was in and out of the church. My Dad was mostly out of the church for many years until he met his current wife. He was excommunicated for living with her, and that only sparked interest on her part. It wasn't long before they were married and we were all in the church. Growing up in the church provided me with a community in which I belonged. I felt so loved there and safe. I started struggling with my gayness more directly as a teen, but in retrospect, it's obvious to me now that it started much earlier, I just didn't have the knowledge to know what it meant then.

So the point to that is, I grew up in a community in which I felt total and complete acceptance. I worked very hard for so many years of my life to meet the expectations and demands of my faith. I did so with total commitment and love and with a heavy, guilt ridden heart. If anyone ever knew what I was on the inside, they would not see me the same way. I would be rejected and told that I could not be part of this community any longer. I did all I could to FIX my problem. I even went on a mission, thinking that if I did this, GOD would take away this thing inside me. I was with a male companion 24/7, that is not the solution I needed. Granted, it wasn't as though I was lusting after everyone of them, but it was the commraderie, the closeness, it all felt so natural to me. I loved my mission, it was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and the most rewarding. But in the end, GOD did not do anything about the feelings.

Cut to me now...on the verge of my 37th birthday, living with my partner, my companion, a man...the man that I love with all my heart. Had you told me only 5 or 6 years ago that I would be in this place and time, I would of looked at you and said, that people like me do not get to have this. At that time, I had only a small notion of what it meant to me to be a gay man. There were all the stereo-types, and I even tried some of those out. I had to find out for myself what it meant to be gay because I had no one to use as a reference. No mentor, no roll model.

I'm fortunate in that I have had a wealth of life experience to pull from. I've seen a lot of different people, different lifestyles and every kind of poverty and wealth by which said people live out their existences. I've studied the life of CHRIST enough to understand what his core teachings were about. They were about LOVE. I've tried to emmulate that in my life as much as possible. It baffles me that so many who profess to love GOD and CHRIST can be so short sighted as to not see the real purpose of CHRIST like love.

I have had my heart filled with a lot of different feelings lately, from anger to disgust, from pain to sympathy, frustration and even fear. I worry what the future holds for someone like me, and yet, I feel like we are progressing. I know that the opposition has a loud voice and makes a big impression, but I have to try and trust humanity that this will all work out in the end. I need it too. You see, I live with the light of my life. Sure, he frustrates me beyond belief sometimes and we don't always see eye to eye on some things, but every night when I look into that face when I'm so tired and worn down, I feel safe and I know that I'm home. I want to always see that face when I close my eyes at night and when I wake in the morning. I want the satisfaction in knowing that what we have is sacred and that it can not be put asunder by any man. I want to walk down the isle in front of our family and friends and witness to them that we are in love, that we are committed to that love and that we are a family.

You don't need laws to do that. No law can ever define my love for him. But we are just like everyone else, that's what I'm trying to say here I guess. My desire to wed Nick, to be legally recognized and to have the full benefit under the law is simply to have the same rights and privilages as everyone else. We are part of this community, we contribute the same as anyone else, why aren't we given the same in return? I eagerly await the decision and at the same time, I'm dreading it.

Gardening Update

So I was thinking...this whole gardening thang is just a whole other balliwick and it deserves it's own blog. I've decided to do just that and have links between the two. I did worry that it might be confusing, but I'm just hoping that it works. In honor of the Project Runway show...which I LOVED tremendously...I'm calling this Project Greenthumb. Please join me there from time to time as I try to capture my passion for all things botanical.

Project Greenthumb

For I shall give unto you a sign...

Yesterday, whilst leaving comments left and right on the blogosphere, I mentioned having a great mousse recipe. This lead to the promise to post said recipe that evening. Be forewarned, that the UPPER CASE GOD hears your promises and will send unto you a sign.




Many thanks to Susie for the funniest thing to happen to me last night. I laughed so hard I nearly fell off my ergo chair.

Bittersweet Chocolate Mousse

11 ounces bittersweet chocolate
2 tablespoons soft unsalted butter
6 eggs
2 tablespoons granulated sugar


Break the chocolate into pieces into a bowl, add the butter and put in the microwave, on medium, for 3-4 minutes checking about halfway to be on the safe side. When it's melted set it to the side and let it cool. Seperate the eggs and put the yolks and sugar into one bowl; in another whisk the egg whites until you have a stiff-but not dry-snow, and set aside. (I find this task is easier with my mixer)

Beat the yolks and sugar together then pour, and fold, into the cooled chocolate. When fully combined, add a quarter of the beaten egg whites and vigorously beat to incorporate fully. Now go more gently as you add futher dollops of the egg whites and fold them into the chocolate base. When all the whites are folded in, pour into a glass bowl (or four to six individual glasses if you prefer), cover with plastic wrap, and chill in the refridgerator for a ood 4 hours or longer. If you want, whipping cream makes a great topping just before serving.

Self Rightous Indignation or Christ Like Love?

My friend told me about this church and I could not drive by with out taking a picture. At first, I thought what a bunch of high and mighty's, but my reasoning kicked in and I determined that it's probably not the intent to come across so self rightous.

But honestly, 'loving those who sin'? You have to question that one don't you?

Comments anyone?

Honey...can we go back to Maui now?

.

It's gonna be a long day...

I've been awake since 3:30 this morning. I tried and tried to go back to sleep, but just couldn't get my brain to shut off. I got my letter about the retention bonus in the mail last night and it's looking like I get the full amount at this point. We also got an update email from the Exec. in our dept. letting us know the latest. I guess it's just got me thinking about all the things I need to get ready for.

Last night I started in on a new garden project, the shade garden. On the north side of the house there is just a small section that is screaming for a lush shady retreat. So far, I have almost two of the beds dug up and ready for mulch and compost. I keep thinking of all the plants I can get for that area now that I'm back to working at the nursery. I get a nice 30% discount on my plants now, so I'm just itching to go shopping...if only it were payday now too.

SEE FOOD Self Portrait

"Can you start Sunday?"

Okay, so yestedary was just a big poo poo party for me on here. I needed the outlet and I really am fine. I'm pretty sure that this is just a bit of spring fever and frustration over my job etc. I got homo last night and Nick suggested we go to the nursery since it was so nice out. I think he felt bad for me because I was so jealous that he played hookie for two days with his best friend. I'm not gonna deny it, I was REALLY jealous. Even if I play hookie I only have Harlow to keep me company, and that's not a bad thing, she's my best friend.

So we bummed around the nursery for a bit and everyone is all like "are you coming back?" and "when are you coming back?" . Seriously, that's one place that makes me feel good. I'm still working M-F at the office and we're waiting to see when the merger will be finalized. They think sometime in July and at that point it's anyone's guess as to when the pink slips will start to fall like confetti from the sky. Okay, so maybe it's not going to be that big of a party, but that's my reality.

Well, this morning I decided that I needed to do something to alter this mood thingy that's going on with me and I went back to the nursery and spoke with my old boss there. He's just about the nicest guy, he even called me the day that the company announced that they were merging and wanted me to know that I could come back anytime. He's since called to check on me 2 times. Who does that??? We tentativly talked about me coming in on Sundays for now just to help out and I said we would talk about it. Well, I went in today and asked if we could do Sundays and he said 'can you start this weekend?'. Simple as that. I have to say that it was just the best moment. It's really a crazy thing how much I like being there, but it's the truth. Crazy customers and all. I picked up my extra t-shirts and my windbreaker and signed my w-2 and then called my sweetie to let him know that I was starting on Sunday. Ooops! probably should of checked with him first, but he was cool about it, cuz that's the loving supportive man that he is.

Things aren't right with the world yet, I'm still struggling today and the tears, the tears are begging to be let go. I just haven't found the right moment or the right trigger to get there. I was awake for most of the morning hours from about 3am on trying to get back to sleep. I think I did around 6am.

You would think with all the times that I have been uprooted and moved, or started over that this time would of been cake. But this time I was much more established and settled. I had a community and sense of self there. I'm literally starting from scratch here. I'm confident that things are going to work out. I'm just having a growth moment. Right? Ya, that's what I thought too.

Ghost Dog...

.

now you see her, now you don't.

Gerber Happiness

I've been in a real funk this last week or so. I'm not sure what it is exactly, but I know I'm going through something. I'm tearing up at the drop of a hat, like I'm needing a good cry. I bought this Gerber daisy for my cubicle at work to try and perk myself up. I need to remind myself that every year at this time I get moody and weepy. I think it's a bit of spring fever. I'm dying to get out and do some yard renovations, but the timing is off and the funds are non existent. I did get out there on Sunday and put in a new flower bed by the back gate, but that's just a teaser of what I want to do.

I moved here to Seattle a year ago the 15th of March. That's coming up pretty soon. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, leaving my house, my friends and my job. While I do look back and mourn my life before and loath the loneliness factor, I don't regret my decision, and I'm not just saying that because he will read this some day too. My life was in a rut more or less, and now I have a chance to build a life with Nicho and Harlow together and to discover what I want for me and us.

MOther FUCK it's hard sometimes. Sorry for that, but it's the truth. I get myself really worked up inside over things. I used to see a therapist and that's not a reality under the current fiscal plan. That's why I started this blog. I need an outlet. I like that I can put stuff down here and someone or no one will read it and think, I get it, I really do.

Sometimes I think I'm so lonely, that I don't think I can take another day, week, month of no one else. Other days, I'm so happy to be in our home and to see the changes we've made. I hate my job. Oh I know...be careful...they are watching, but let's face it, they are going to be laying me and everyone else off later this year anyway. I want so badly to be able to leave here and go back to working at the nursery for the summer. I love working there. I just wish they paid me better. (who am I kidding, if I could, I would probably work for free...assuming I was independantly wealthy)

To clarify, I'm not living in isolation, I just don't have the contact of my close friends. Thank god for phones and email, but it's not enough some days. I keep hoping someone new will come into my life, but I'm beginning to think that I'm not open to that yet, otherwise it would of happened by now.

So this is it, I'm having a pity party online and trying to offload some crap.

I Do! I really do...

this was a church on Maui on the road to Hana. IF I was to have a church wedding, this is one place I would love to get married at.